Relate 2 You

Hey, did you know?

Read more facts about teen relationships

Frequently Asked Questions

Can someone not be sure that what their boyfriend or girlfriend is doing is abusive?

Yes. Some behaviors seem obviously abusive, while it's difficult to decide about other behaviors, depending on what else is going on. When some of these actions happen once, it may not be abusive. It becomes a problem when these actions happen more than once and when they're used to manipulate, control, gain power over, or to make a person feel bad. Trust your instincts.

Why does my boyfriend/girlfriend abuse me? I'm so good to him/her.

There are many reasons that a person may be abusive. Here are some of the most common reasons: (1)they believe it's the "normal" way to act, (2)they are insecure and need power over others, (3)they've learned that they can get what they want, (4)They don't know other ways of responding to anger, (5)they don't know how to communicate, or (6)they're using drugs, alcohol or other illicit drugs.

My friend looked hurt when I said, "Why don't you just leave?"

Your friend might think you're blaming him or her for the abuse. Asking this question shows that you don't completely understand your friend's problem. People stay in abusive relationships for many reasons: they're in love, they think the bad parts will go away, they blame themselves, or they want to help the person. The next time you see your friend, tell him/her you believe the story, and tell your friend she or he didn't deserve to be abused. Respect that your friend needs to make his or her own decision about the relationship. You can help by finding out about community resources and helping your friend with a plan to remain "safe". Also, maintain your friends' trust my not telling other people without your friend's permission.

My friend is abusive to his girlfriend. Can he be helped?

Yes. Let your friend know that their behavior is not "okay". Tell them specifically what is abusive. Ask them lots of questions to make them think about their actions like, "Why did she get so quiet after you told her to 'shut up'?" Ask your friend if he can think of a respectful way to handle the situation instead. Let him know he has the ability to control his response to anger, frustration, and pain. Help him see what can happen as a result of his violence. Finally, support him in getting help and trying to change.

Can my girlfriend and I learn how to communicate without fighting?

Sure you can. First, you both need to calm down before you talk things over. This will help you both think more clearly. Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask each other questions about the situation. After listening to answers, you may realize that it was all a misunderstanding. Ask your girlfriend how she feels about the situation that's causing the conflict. Tell her how you feel. Be honest. Think about what's important to you. In every situation there are things you cannot compromise. Acknowledge what's important to your partner and what she isn't willing to compromise. Compare your feelings and what's important to both of you. Determine where you agree and disagree as well as why. Then, share ideas for a possible solution. It's not always easy, but it's certainly possible to do!

What if my boyfriend doesn't want to learn how to communicate?

Unfortunately, for communication skills to work and to produce a result that both people are happy with, both people have to cooperate. If he isn't going to cooperate, possible solutions are to tell him you'll talk to him later when he calms down; ask him directly and respectfully to be quiet so you can explain what happened; write him a letter; or end the relationship.

Is it a "red flag" if someone gets angry?

All feelings are important. They often tell us about a situation, even before your brains can process anything. We can't change our feelings, but we can learn skills to deal with our feelings. It's all right to be angry. How you deal with that anger, though, can make the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.

Can I learn to deal with my anger?

Everyone has "Hot Buttons". Hot Buttons are things that make you angry whenever you feel, see, or hear them. Hot Buttons are things that irritate you, "get under your skin," or in other ways make you angry. What are your Hot Buttons? If you're going to control your anger and use it in positive ways, then you have to realize when a Hot Button has been pushed. Our bodies give us cues when we're angry. Some of the cues are physical and some are psychological. In the few seconds that you have when your body is cuing that you're angry, your thinking is clear and you can make a choice about how you're going to respond to the anger. It may only be a few seconds! You can learn things to do that only take a few seconds to diffuse your anger. Once you have calmed down, you can use good communication skills.

"I just can't control my anger."

Anger is controllable. You choose the actions you take when you're angry. You can teach yourself to do things that reduce your anger without hurting others. Controlling your anger is easier when you recognize what makes you angry (Hot Buttons), when you can identify your physical and psychological cues to anger, and when you have a plan to deal with your anger.

My boyfriend forced me to have sex. If we are dating, is it still considered rape?

Even though situations are often complicated, it's never the fault of the person who's forced to have sex. Forced sex is rape. Rape is a crime. There are no circumstances that make forced sexual acts okay.

How can I protect myself on a date?

Double-date or go out with groups of friends. Decide what your boundaries are about being sexual before you go on a date. Be clear and firm about your boundaries. Trust your feelings and instincts. If you're uncomfortable, leave the situation and go to a safe place.